My ass is NOT huge!
by IchiPan
Summary: Yuuri needs his twinkies, Conrad abuses the Heika, Wolfram wants a threesome and the horse is gonna get revenge. O o Yuuram crack fic. Kills brain cells. "THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR WOLF ASS PADDLING THOUGHTS YUURI!"


Disclaimer: I do not own Kyou Kara Maou! ;_;

"My ass is NOT huge!!" Yuuri muttered to himself as he stomped his way to his bedroom. "When I see Wolfram I'm gonna tell him how big HIS ass is!! ……actually, it's quite….small….and cute……..the kind that you just wanna smack……..hmmm…….do I have a paddl-" He shook his head vigorously. "THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR WOLF ASS PADDLING THOUGHTS YUURI!!!" He yelled a bit too loudly. The maids that were eavesdropping on him dropped the laundry and started squealing, then ran off to gossip. "ARRGGG FUCK!!!" Yuuri thought angrily.

As soon as Yuuri got to his room he slammed open the door and yelled, "WOLF!!! I wanna smack your-I MEAN, MY ASS IS NOT HUGE!!!!" Hearing no reply, he looked around and found no Wolfram, just a note on the table. He went and picked it up, looking at it seriously.

"What the fuck is this? I can't read." So the un-educated Yuuri went to good ol' Conrad. Yup, he should know how to read!

"Hey Conrad, what does this say?" Yuuri held the note up to Conrad, who took it and read it.

"It says…. 'Dear Yuuri heika. I'm sick and tired of not getting any from you, so I'm going back to Bielefeld's land. Goodbye 4evur, Wolfram. P.S. I stole all your twinkies! Hahaha!!1!! P.P.S. Hey, maybe once you come get me back we can get a threesome goin on with me you and Sara…? Just a thought….'" Yuuri and Conrad started at each other.

"Well….you really are holding out for a long time…." Conrad started.

"My twinkies!!!! NUUUUUU!!!!!" Yuuri sobbed and fell on the ground dramatically.

"Uh…heika….. shouldn't we go get Wolfram…..?" Conrad sweat dropped. Yuuri stood up and coughed.

"Well… I suppose.. Should we get the others to come with us?" He suggested.

"Well…uhm….Greta is sleeping, Gunter is…..I dunno, probably frolicking in a meadow somewhere, and Gwendal and Yozak…are…well……. Let just say that when I passed by Gwendal's room I DID NOT hear peaceful things." Yuuri got a big perverted grin on his face.

"Were they using a paddle?" He asked perversely.

"WHAT?!"

"Oh-nothing, nothing…." Yuuri coughed again and looked away.

So Yuuri and Conrad took a horse off to the Beliefeld lands. Of course, they got lost on the way a couple times, And Yuuri was complaining constantly about his twinkie loss. Conrad's ears were about to fall off!! Eventually he stopped the horse, turned around and grabbed the nearest book (Yes, they happened to have a book…somewhere…). Once Yuuri stopped his whining he saw the book, and freaked out.

"NOO! Don't hit me with the book agai-OWW!" Conrad smacked Yuuri in the head with the book. HARD. It happened to be the book Titanic, too, so it was thick as hell.

"Why do you always have to hit me with a book…?" Yuuri cried. Conrad merely laughed.

"Oh, heika, it's just so fun!" Yuuri stared at him like he was crazy.

"Omg…..Conrad is showing great emotion!! RUUNNNNN!!!" Yuuri jumped off the horse and ran out into the nearest house, flailing and yelling all the way. Conrad just sighed; having to deal with a retard was hard work! But lucky for them, the house Yuuri randomly ran into happened to be Wolfram's house!

"AHHHHHH TWINKIIIIIEEEESSSSS!!!" Yuuri ran straight into Wolfram and knocked them both over.

"Yuuri….wtf? How did you find me?" Wolf asked the maou, slowly getting up and rubbing his butt (The same one that Yuuri wants to paddle! :D) Yuuri looked at Wolf and jumped up.

"I….uh…." he coughed. "I……searched the lands, looking through every nook and cranny, RISKING MY LIFE FIGHTING OFF EVIL CHUPACHARBRAS-"

"You found me randomly, didn't you?"

"……….maybeh…." Wolf kicked Yuuri where the sun don't shine and smiled happily.

"Ok! Take me home now!" Wolf skipped happily out the door of the house. Yuuri changed into the maou at the groin kicking, and gasped.

"God….damn…you……Wolfram von Bielefeld…fucking…..PMSing…" And he fell over holding his injured twinkie.

Conrad was waiting outside and saw Wolf skipping out of the house.

"Wolfram? What happened?" He asked the happy blonde. Said blonde stopped in his tracks and suddenly looked serious.

"I kicked Yuuri in the nuts. :I" He said. Conrad started and stared, then busted out laughing. Suddenly they head screaming from inside the house. It sounded kinda like….

"OMGGG!!! CONRADS SHOWING EMOTION AGAIN RUN TWINKIES RUN!!!!!" Then they saw Yuuri run out of the house and in the opposite direction of them. Conrad sighed.

"Such a handful……oh well!!" He grabbed his book with fire in his eyes. "Time to whack a retard!!" He ran off after Yuuri, leaving Wolf standing there with the horse.

"So…..how's it goin?" The horse didn't respond. "……….have any good carrots lately?" Still no response. "FINE then you stupid horse!! I don't wanna talk with you and your big ass anyways!!" And he started to stomp off down the road. Unbeknownst to him, the horse was following Wolf with a paddle in his hoof, waiting for just the right moment…


End file.
